self esteem

i believe

in so many other people.

i believe

in believing in yourself.

i am working

on doing both.

beginning

I think I am pulling out of this funk I'm in. I've started writing poetry again, which is nice (for me, not necessarily for you).  "Here's to the soul-expanding power of the simply beautiful," because I feel like that's what poetry is. You have to see beauty to write poetry, and you have to have gratitude to see beauty. See, there is a proof for you. Only about words, not numbers.

research papers

pros vs cons
of the research paper. 

Among future educators.

We're making the call,

to assign or not to assign.

Professor asks "Ok, Pros?"

"Torture students," 

was the first response.

She didn't write it on the chart.

I guess it's not our goal.

twice today

I have done the no-look bless you.
Someone sneezes
and I bless them,
no eye contact required.

Rude? Not exactly.
Indicative of my mood? Perhaps.
Alarming that I would let that opportunity for interaction pass me by?  Exactly.

I hope I pull out of this funk soon.

what I've been thinking about lately

I read an article in Whole Living recently which recommended the under-appreciated and much-maligned power of obsession as a creative tool.

It really got me thinking and I would like to say that I recommend it too.

"Immerse yourself--While it may seem odd to plan an obsession (don't they grab us, not the other way around?), you have to plant those seeds to yield fruitful ideas. This may mean sitting at your desk and writing about memories of your mother, taking a long walk to mull over plots and characters, or researching herb folklore online."  I think about what do I immerse myself in? What do I plan to have in my life? What great goals are you working on as a person?

For me, there are a few things it is easy to become obsessed with:
-Environmentally friendly living
-Friends/relationships
-minimalism and design
-beauty
-art (which is not always the same as beauty)

There are so many things we could become experts on, if we only tried. I think that's what hobbies are for, if you have a hobby, it makes you an unofficial expert, right? An aficionado? Someone slightly obsessed (a paradox, I know).

conversations

I told a friend the other day (while sitting in a supply closet) that much of my on-air time in my brain is dominated by conversations I wish I could have.

I wish I could have them. Maybe I will still get to. It is never too late you know. I wonder if the barriers to me speaking up are real, or if they are, perhaps, more flimsy than I perceive them.

twice in a week

strength training. I always procrastinate it. 

but this week, I did it twice.

go me.

I don't know why I procrastinate it. It reminds me of gym class. That's why. 

ten years ago time capsule

The paper was yellow and disintegrating.  


what i felt like saying to the future :


(thumbs down) to algebra
(thumbs down) to study hall
<3 lunch
(thumbs down) to science
<3 band
<3 choir
<3 social studies
<3 school
<3 church (happy face)
(big heart) YM 
<3 sister robertson and lisa secor
<3 my leaders (and their sons)

pretty much nothing has changed. 

hand out the sunroof

why not? reaching out won't hurt you. 

rainy saturday

i love it.


gray, moody days are rife with poetry. and i come into them with fewer expectations, and more a mindset of accepting what is, and recognizing it as beautiful. 

this whole unrequited love business

So I have a few friends right now who have some unrequited love on their hands. You know, the age-old story of one person being madly in love with the other, unbeknownst (although sometimes beknownst) to their friend/would-be sweetheart if the pursuer had their way. 


Unfortunately, some times the only thing you can do in that situation is sit and wait. And wait. And wait.  And hope that perhaps, one day, you being such a devoted friend, shoulder to cry on (about other lost loves no doubt), and reliable enthusiast for someone else, will be noticed someday, and the other person will realize what you realized a long time ago. But hopefully then your hard-fought fight will be won, and will be completely worth every disappointing experience you've ever had, and tell you that you were right to not lose hope. 


Except when that doesn't happen. And how can you tell if that will happen? Quite simply: you can't. 


I dislike this system. 


And as someone whose conversations are %80 talking about dating I recognize that this is a common issue, and generally one that one must work on via a case-by-case basis. 


If I had a switch, all of you unrequited lovers would get your wish. 


just so you know. 

how do i love thee, life, let me count the ways:

I love thee like I love going to Kavarna to meet up with Steve Peters and talk with him about our lives and to hear him say that we need to stay friends and not lose touch., and I agree with this and hug him like nothing has changed in the ten years that we've known each other. And to talk about the people we used to know, and do know, and what is going on in their lives, while eating delicious squash bisque. 

I love thee like not knowing how to really fulfill my calling best, and having an Elders Quorum President to call who will anser all my questions, and help me realize I can do it. 

I love thee like I love having my friends bring their children to stay at my house on their way to Minneapolis for the summer. And going to bay beach with them.  And showing them Green Bay. And watching great movies. 

I love thee like I love the farmland surrounding me.

I love thee like I love the perfect amount of wind on a sunny day.

I love thee like I love walking out of work at 7pm and smelling the armoas of the italian restaurant next to our office.

I love thee like I love naps in the sunshine.

I love thee like I love running in the morning when it is quiet and cool.