Adam

This week, I went to my very first non-student singles ward. As I met with the Branch President to receive my calling he said, "Sister Sieber, we have met before. You may not remember me, but I remember you." I apologized and said I didn't remember, and asked him to remind me. He said "You went to seminary with my son Adam," and I said "OOOHHHHHHHH! How is he?!"

To interject: Adam was indeed in my seminary class my senior year. He wore t shirts and jeans (the kind of jeans that are neither in, nor out of style) and cross trainers to school. Very shy, yet very funny, without ever insulting anyone personally, he was easy to love. He had the best manners of anyone I've ever met, never indecorous or rude. Especially in how he treated women. And so I and another girl in class paid a lot of attention to Adam. We cheered when we saw him, and begged to be in his group or his partner in assignments, and generally caused a small ruckus. Adam never showed any indication of how he felt about this except perhaps a little smile and a self-depreciating comment about us being nice, but I could tell he liked it. 

I asked Adam to go to snowball with me that year, and even though it was a far from flawless date (transportation/dinner issues, etc.) Adam was charming, through the whole thing. I had a really good group of friends in high school, the kind who valued cleverness and fun above things like clothes or drama. I think he had a good time. Even though I did have to warn him that one of my friends would try to corrupt him at the dance and dance with him inappropriately, he remained calm and unperturbed (and he did resist. We just danced together so she didn't have the opportunity I think). 
That was my relationship with Adam. It was where we were always pleased to see each other, and generally had a very good understanding of where each one stood with the other person; on grounds of unconditional acceptance. 
So, six years later, I am sitting in a church office with his father, and ask him, how Adam is doing. He says that Adam is doing well, that he is getting married in a few weeks and I say "Oh, REALLY?" because we had lost touch and I didn't know at all how his life was. His father said yes, and everyone was very happy, and then he said "But I want you to know, Adam came home from that date, and I heard everything, and I just, well I want to thank you--" and I interrupted him "No, no!" I said, Adam was wonderful! He was a perfect date." and his dad smiled and said "Yes. Adam is a gentleman." And I agreed. 
Then today, I was talking with another girl in the ward who had actually gotten to know Adam after his mission a little bit. She asked about how we became friends, and I reiterated the above story to her, and she smiled and nodded throughout the whole thing. And then she said "He really liked you, you know. I heard about it." I said "What?!" she nodded again. "He had a huge crush on you, for quite some time." I said. "NO. Really?!" "Yeah," she continued "But he had his mission to serve, so he figured he would just come and find you after that, but in the end never did." 
Well this is all really a moot point because Adam is getting married in a week, and this is NOT about lost chances, or some melodramatic irony, etc., but it is about how I didn't have a clue that he liked me. It also brings a small amount of hope to me, that I have been liked, by somebody really decent, and if it happened, once, it can happen again. 

Reinforcements

I believe in constant affirmation. Affirmation of my identity, my purpose, and my righteous goals. Which is why I find when I am in a new situation the first thing I will do is decorate. I put things up that remind me of the aforementioned ideals. For example, I have a friend who is one of the people I call when I am in need of someone to listen to me about whatever issues I am having, and help me work them out. You know, the late night chat buddies. He always has time for me, and he knows how to communicate with me that he appreciates me on all of the levels that are important to me. (Religion, intelligence, and meaningfulness). So it was his picture I printed off and put on my desk within a few days of working at my new job. Not a big picture, not even he and I, just a little 1x2" square to tape to the bottom of my monitor, reminding me of at least one healthy, stable relationship that exists (even if I am not always talking to this boy, I feel like our friendship is dependable).
Likewise I have a post it note with a few compliments that mean a great deal to me that I have collected over the years.
And the last thing that decorates my desk is my name tag from working at the MTC. Now those of you who know me even mildly well may recognize that although I enjoyed my job at the MTC, it was somewhat less than ideal. However, I feel as though being employed by the MTC has changed me a little bit. It is a place, where without a doubt, 95% of the people around you are actively trying to become more like the Savior. All the time. What is the number one rule of the custodial department at the MTC? Don't disturb the missionaries. And with everyone being able to very openly recognize the culture that is the gospel of Jesus Christ (not even the culture of the LDS church, the culture of Christlike living) was a unifying factor. And it is something I want to tap into all of my life...hence the name tag on my current desk.
What other reinforcements do I have? I have a necklace with a dog tag on it that I wear occasionally (if it can be unobtrusive) with my favorite scripture and the name of someone very dear to me. And I have another accessory that reminds me of a spiritual experience I had at a concert once.
It's not that I feel like these reminders in and of themselves should become the POINT of my life. Like I should focus on my friendship with the young man in the picture on my desk because it is IDEAL and how I want to feel all the time. NO. However, it does serve as a valuable reminder of who I want to be. If I focused on just that aspect of my life, all the time, I would become unbalanced. Just like if I only focused on the compliments I have received that really flattered me, I would also become unbalanced. Compliments are not the point of life. And even fulfilling relationships are not the point of life, although they are a key component in a happy one. But if I begin to worship or try to depend on that friendship, or those compliments, or my experience at a concert, in order to provide me with my identity, eventually they will break down.
You cannot focus on what the experience is, you however can look back at the experience and realize how it brought you closer to God. And being close to God is the point of our experience here. And so that is why I have those reinforcements up. To remind me that they are part of the right track, but they are not the end of the track; they're more like...guidelines.

kissing cousins

Awhile ago, my Grandma heard me talking about the lack of datable men in Wisconsin (I don't mean to slander any of you out there. I do however think that it is easy to see you are few and far between), and said "I know someone you could go on a date with!" I was surprised, and she told me this fellow's name. His last name was as my mother's maiden name. I said "Grandma, aren't we related?" and she waved her hand and said "Oh, he's uncle so-and-so's son" and I was like "oh..." I had to find out what this meant...the son of my grandfather's brother...is my first cousin once removed. See also: illegal to marry in Wisconsin, unless you have an authorized statement from a licensed physician saying one of you is incapable of producing children...I think Grandma just thinks about these things a little differently.

the great thing about mixes

Whenever I make a mix for someone, from thenceforth all the songs on that mix make me think of them. 

will I ever learn

to just trust what the Lord says will make me happy? Sometimes (most times?) I think I know better than He does. For shame.

Luckily there is repentance.

Boo.

home

I love being in Wisconsin.  I love the fields, and the smell of the river, how 'hot' it gets (78) and everyone complains, and I love living with my siblings nearby (which, technically, I had in Provo).


Today I:
Went to the river trail for a walk while I listened to the princess diaries audiobook for an hour. Anne Hathaway, I will never know how to thank you enough.
Came home and watched "The Importance of Being Earnest." (With Rupert Everett and Colin Firth. Someone asked me the other day if I thought he was a handsome man, and I said "Of course he is, he's Mr. Darcy," and they didn't seem to realize this answered the question in full.)
Caught up on my blog reading.
Went grocery shopping (where I discovered they have this marvelous hippie section of Festival now. You can buy in bulk and use your own bags).
Had a Culver's shake.
Drove to the river again and walked around Aston. Also went to the park where Erich and Katie got married. Aw. I hope Mr. Walker comes to my wedding.
Set off the car alarm in the mercedes. Twice. Oh, my.
Had a chat with a very important figure.
Hugged Mom and Dad when they got home off their trip.

why wisconsin is the greatest (part 1)

1. Space. You cannot beat Wisconsin for pure, unadulterated farmland. It is a patchwork conglomeration of fields and forests. Beautiful, green and wide.
2. People. People are just nicer in the midwest. More willing to talk. About anything. I remember a joke saying "You might live in wisconsin if....you've been helped by someone in the store who isn't an employee." So true.
3. Knowing where all the streets go. Not that I get lost in Provo. But there is something great about knowing a neighborhood because your friends live there. Or your teacher.

more to come.

Dear provo,

I will miss you.

I am going home for the summer. See you in the fall.

I will miss your multiple frozen yogurt parlors, your creamery ice cream, late night walks by the duck pond, even later chats with my roommates, the ability to make a joke referencing the Book of Mormon, everyone understanding BYU stereotypes, student singles wards, and living in a giant apartment complex of Christlike love.

And how I knew I could always call someone to listen to me when I needed it. That I plan to try and keep, actually.

But you never know; some things change, even if you try to stop them.

things i have learned this year:

you're not always going to get what you want.
you can be happy without everything you want.

English 452 Final

So I know this is kind of a cop-out of a post, but here goes. Here is the poem that we were asked to analyze for my final. Then we had to analyze our interpretation.

Theodore Rothke

My Papa's Waltz

 

The whiskey on your breath
Could make a small boy dizzy;
But I hung on like death:
Such waltzing was not easy.


We romped until the pans
Slid from the kitchen shelf;
My mother's countenance
Could not unfrown itself.


The hand that held my wrist
Was battered on one knuckle;
At every step you missed
My right ear scraped a buckle.


You beat time on my head
With a palm caked hard by dirt,
Then waltzed me off to bed
Still clinging to your shirt.

My interpretation: (Which I know isn't my best work, but it was a final after all--time crunch. The interpretation actually wasn't the important part of the final)

This poem is about the father's destructive lifestyle of alcoholism, and how it is cyclical. By the end of the poem we realize that the son will become who the father is.
     We learn at the beginning of the poem that even though being with his father was difficult (such waltzing was not easy) because of his Father's alcoholism (The whisky on your breath/Could make a small boy dizzy), nonetheless the boy clings to his father (But I hung on like death) for a sense of identity. In the second stanza the author elaborates that sometimes trying to be with his Father destroyed their physical possessions, and that his mother disapproved of him trying to waltz with his father (perhaps because she knows what destructive ends that lifestyle brings).
     The third and fourth stanzas are when the reader learns about the character of the father. He is portrayed as a man who has suffered, "The hand that held my wrist/Was battered by one knuckle", and worked hard for his family, "A palm caked hard by dirt." This acknowledgement of the father's character shows us that the boy recognizes the difficulties his father has had in his life, how a life of hard labor has affected him, and his good qualities, such as working hard for his family. Also in the third stanza we read "At every step you missed/My right ear scraped a buckle," so we know that when this father makes mistakes, it is his son who pays the price.
     The significance of this "dance" with his father being a waltz is unmistakable. The waltz is a dance where although you feel like you are changing directions, eventually you end up back in the same place you started. It is circular, symbolizing the circular destructive pattern of his father's lifestyle. The inevitable ending of this boy continuing this pattern is shown in the last line "still clinging to your shirt." Even though the boy recognizes the harm that is done by his father's life, the broken home, the worried mother, he still clings to his father as a source of identity.

Other interpretations:
#1
#2 (pdf file)

more controversy about it

It appears that there are generally two readings of the poem; one as a memory of a playful experience, and one of deeper darker themes of abuse. What do you think? What did you think when you first read it?

needy, needy, Betsy

Lately, I found out that it is not always me by myself on the needy-needy, I-want-a-friend end of the stick with a few of my pals. Everyone needs close friends. Even if I am the one to initiate things happening all the time, that doesn't mean that I am not needed as a friend...it means I am good at initiating.

Funny, how we always assume other people are doing fine, and that we are the disadvantaged ones. Oh mortal existence, you do limit my paradigm so.

I love

seeing people saunter across campus, their steps in time to the music they are listening to. (presumably. Maybe they just are pretending to listen to music to saunter with rhythm. I'd do it. Why not?)