Monday, May 31, 2010

this whole unrequited love business

So I have a few friends right now who have some unrequited love on their hands. You know, the age-old story of one person being madly in love with the other, unbeknownst (although sometimes beknownst) to their friend/would-be sweetheart if the pursuer had their way. 


Unfortunately, some times the only thing you can do in that situation is sit and wait. And wait. And wait.  And hope that perhaps, one day, you being such a devoted friend, shoulder to cry on (about other lost loves no doubt), and reliable enthusiast for someone else, will be noticed someday, and the other person will realize what you realized a long time ago. But hopefully then your hard-fought fight will be won, and will be completely worth every disappointing experience you've ever had, and tell you that you were right to not lose hope. 


Except when that doesn't happen. And how can you tell if that will happen? Quite simply: you can't. 


I dislike this system. 


And as someone whose conversations are %80 talking about dating I recognize that this is a common issue, and generally one that one must work on via a case-by-case basis. 


If I had a switch, all of you unrequited lovers would get your wish. 


just so you know. 

Saturday, May 29, 2010

how do i love thee, life, let me count the ways:

I love thee like I love going to Kavarna to meet up with Steve Peters and talk with him about our lives and to hear him say that we need to stay friends and not lose touch., and I agree with this and hug him like nothing has changed in the ten years that we've known each other. And to talk about the people we used to know, and do know, and what is going on in their lives, while eating delicious squash bisque. 


I love thee like not knowing how to really fulfill my calling best, and having an Elders Quorum President to call who will anser all my questions, and help me realize I can do it. 

I love thee like I love having my friends bring their children to stay at my house on their way to Minneapolis for the summer. And going to bay beach with them.  And showing them Green Bay. And watching great movies. 

I love thee like I love the farmland surrounding me.

I love thee like I love the perfect amount of wind on a sunny day.

I love thee like I love walking out of work at 7pm and smelling the armoas of the italian restaurant next to our office.

I love thee like I love naps in the sunshine.

I love thee like I love running in the morning when it is quiet and cool. 

hopes

I found this community art project. There is a sign with a marker and a container of fabric strips next to it that asks people to write down their hopes dreams, gratitude and wishes onto a strip of fabric, and then tie it to the grate. 




















I loved it. 

examples:
"inspiration to be the change."
"Please bless those who are stupid enough to mess things up, and help those smart enough to try and do something about it."
"More fun. No drama. Find a man."
"For those around me to be stronger."

It was great.  And just sitting there, reading all of these people's wishes and dreams I thought "why don't I do this more often? Connect with people on a real level? Talk about things that are really important?" It was so empowering to just read these things.  I remember writing one of my friends on his mission that I don't think we talk about our dreams enough. I still think that's true. 

the best day ever

is when Rachel and Carter came to town. That's right, two of my best friends from BYU came to visit me in Green Bay. I was so pleased.

here are a few photo ops from Subway. Unfortunately I did not get any photos at Bay Beach, but we got some good ones on Rachel's cam, so if you want to see them; ask her. We had lunch at Subway, and then went to Bay beach. Then we got out the train set at home. It was pretty heavenly. It made me wonder why I don't get the train set out more often. Or live closer to my friends.

















She's actually about to laugh, not cry. Check out the cheeto hand. 

I had one of my friends ask me if it was weird to have friends who had kids. I told him that they are still the same people they were before they had kids--meaning that we can still connect. It sort of humanizes parenting to me.

kavarna

good idea.

missing helmet

ironic.

allusions

this was on the front page of the economist website today.
It is an allusion to my favorite poem by Stevie Smith:

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.


some days














i wish i were the family cat. 

hugs

(Mom was telling me how I should hug my father more)
B: You know, out at college, I get around 10 hugs a day. 
M: So you're saying you're in deficit? Well you can certainly hug us. Right honey?
(She looks at Dad, who I see is staring at me with narrowed eyes, and a hostile expression. Pause.)
D: boy hugs?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

the boy

...moved to utah. For school.

The end (for real).

Saturday, May 22, 2010

the accessories of a working mother

one of the ladies in our office had these next to her desk.




















a spongebob umbrella.




















how could you be sad on a rainy day, touting this? I never could be.

the wisdom of a carabiner

The other day, I noticed these words engraved onto the shaft of my little sister's carabiner:

















can you see them? Perhaps not. 

It says: NOT FOR CLIMBING - CHINA.

I went home and told Louisa, that if she ever considered climbing China with this keychain, she should change her plans because it says explicitly "NO!" 

i love you, wisconsin

and this is why. 

Sunday, May 16, 2010

dates and slow dances...not a venn diagram...

well...not yet.

tempted to end the post there, I was.

dance on friday:
this one boy who i have known all my life danced with me (slow danced) and since he is my age he knows how to do more than the "deacon shuffle" and we talked for about two and a half minutes before we ran out of things to say and I became aware that his hand was on my waist and  mine was on his shoulder and the fact that this proximity is not something I am used to.
commence blushing and struggle for words as to avoid him realizing that i am unnerved by realizing this new proximity and then i remembered, with vivid clarity, what it felt like to be 14.

date:
dramatis personae
b=boy
m=me

b-what are you doing tonight?
m-nothing...
b-want to go see robin hood?
m-yes!

b lives far away so he asks m to look up times in town.
b's commitments run late, misses movie
b and m drive around trying to find an ice cream shop
(m's recollection of good restaurants in gb is achingly absent)
on the way to somewhere less desirable (sonic?) m sees sweet greasy burger joint dive and instructs b to stop
they stop
enjoyment of delicious greasy burger joint shakes and food with ongoing discussion of lives/art
driving back to m's they decide to see movie after all
waiting in line for movie discussion of favorite novels/movies/genres/artists ensue
m=comedies, pixar, geekery
b=action, classics, geekery
movie=robin hood=less-than desirable
also =much skewering, uncompelling love story, inaccurate portrayal of some real events
post movie discussion both concur it's unsatisfactory level
b drops m off
says he had good time
m agrees (that she had a good time too)

the end (obviously not)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Adam

This week, I went to my very first non-student singles ward. As I met with the Branch President to receive my calling he said, "Sister Sieber, we have met before. You may not remember me, but I remember you." I apologized and said I didn't remember, and asked him to remind me. He said "You went to seminary with my son Adam," and I said "OOOHHHHHHHH! How is he?!"
To interject: Adam was indeed in my seminary class my senior year. He wore t shirts and jeans (the kind of jeans that are neither in, nor out of style) and cross trainers to school. Very shy, yet very funny, without ever insulting anyone personally, he was easy to love. He had the best manners of anyone I've ever met, never indecorous or rude. Especially in how he treated women. And so I and another girl in class paid a lot of attention to Adam. We cheered when we saw him, and begged to be in his group or his partner in assignments, and generally caused a small ruckus. Adam never showed any indication of how he felt about this except perhaps a little smile and a self-depreciating comment about us being nice, but I could tell he liked it. 
I asked Adam to go to snowball with me that year, and even though it was a far from flawless date (transportation/dinner issues, etc.) Adam was charming, through the whole thing. I had a really good group of friends in high school, the kind who valued cleverness and fun above things like clothes or drama. I think he had a good time. Even though I did have to warn him that one of my friends would try to corrupt him at the dance and dance with him inappropriately, he remained calm and unperturbed (and he did resist. We just danced together so she didn't have the opportunity I think). 
That was my relationship with Adam. It was where we were always pleased to see each other, and generally had a very good understanding of where each one stood with the other person; on grounds of unconditional acceptance. 
So, six years later, I am sitting in a church office with his father, and ask him, how Adam is doing. He says that Adam is doing well, that he is getting married in a few weeks and I say "Oh, REALLY?" because we had lost touch and I didn't know at all how his life was. His father said yes, and everyone was very happy, and then he said "But I want you to know, Adam came home from that date, and I heard everything, and I just, well I want to thank you--" and I interrupted him "No, no!" I said, Adam was wonderful! He was a perfect date." and his dad smiled and said "Yes. Adam is a gentleman." And I agreed. 
Then today, I was talking with another girl in the ward who had actually gotten to know Adam after his mission a little bit. She asked about how we became friends, and I reiterated the above story to her, and she smiled and nodded throughout the whole thing. And then she said "He really liked you, you know. I heard about it." I said "What?!" she nodded again. "He had a huge crush on you, for quite some time." I said. "NO. Really?!" "Yeah," she continued "But he had his mission to serve, so he figured he would just come and find you after that, but in the end never did." 
Well this is all really a moot point because Adam is getting married in a week, and this is NOT about lost chances, or some melodramatic irony, etc., but it is about how I didn't have a clue that he liked me. It also brings a small amount of hope to me, that I have been liked, by somebody really decent, and if it happened, once, it can happen again. 

Reinforcements

I believe in constant affirmation. Affirmation of my identity, my purpose, and my righteous goals. Which is why I find when I am in a new situation the first thing I will do is decorate. I put things up that remind me of the aforementioned ideals. For example, I have a friend who is one of the people I call when I am in need of someone to listen to me about whatever issues I am having, and help me work them out. You know, the late night chat buddies. He always has time for me, and he knows how to communicate with me that he appreciates me on all of the levels that are important to me. (Religion, intelligence, and meaningfulness). So it was his picture I printed off and put on my desk within a few days of working at my new job. Not a big picture, not even he and I, just a little 1x2" square to tape to the bottom of my monitor, reminding me of at least one healthy, stable relationship that exists (even if I am not always talking to this boy, I feel like our friendship is dependable).
Likewise I have a post it note with a few compliments that mean a great deal to me that I have collected over the years.
And the last thing that decorates my desk is my name tag from working at the MTC. Now those of you who know me even mildly well may recognize that although I enjoyed my job at the MTC, it was somewhat less than ideal. However, I feel as though being employed by the MTC has changed me a little bit. It is a place, where without a doubt, 95% of the people around you are actively trying to become more like the Savior. All the time. What is the number one rule of the custodial department at the MTC? Don't disturb the missionaries. And with everyone being able to very openly recognize the culture that is the gospel of Jesus Christ (not even the culture of the LDS church, the culture of Christlike living) was a unifying factor. And it is something I want to tap into all of my life...hence the name tag on my current desk.
What other reinforcements do I have? I have a necklace with a dog tag on it that I wear occasionally (if it can be unobtrusive) with my favorite scripture and the name of someone very dear to me. And I have another accessory that reminds me of a spiritual experience I had at a concert once.
It's not that I feel like these reminders in and of themselves should become the POINT of my life. Like I should focus on my friendship with the young man in the picture on my desk because it is IDEAL and how I want to feel all the time. NO. However, it does serve as a valuable reminder of who I want to be. If I focused on just that aspect of my life, all the time, I would become unbalanced. Just like if I only focused on the compliments I have received that really flattered me, I would also become unbalanced. Compliments are not the point of life. And even fulfilling relationships are not the point of life, although they are a key component in a happy one. But if I begin to worship or try to depend on that friendship, or those compliments, or my experience at a concert, in order to provide me with my identity, eventually they will break down.
You cannot focus on what the experience is, you however can look back at the experience and realize how it brought you closer to God. And being close to God is the point of our experience here. And so that is why I have those reinforcements up. To remind me that they are part of the right track, but they are not the end of the track; they're more like...guidelines.

Friday, May 7, 2010

kissing cousins

Awhile ago, my Grandma heard me talking about the lack of datable men in Wisconsin (I don't mean to slander any of you out there. I do however think that it is easy to see you are few and far between), and said "I know someone you could go on a date with!" I was surprised, and she told me this fellow's name. His last name was as my mother's maiden name. I said "Grandma, aren't we related?" and she waved her hand and said "Oh, he's uncle so-and-so's son" and I was like "oh..." I had to find out what this meant...the son of my grandfather's brother...is my first cousin once removed. See also: illegal to marry in Wisconsin, unless you have an authorized statement from a licensed physician saying one of you is incapable of producing children...I think Grandma just thinks about these things a little differently.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

the great thing about mixes

Whenever I make a mix for someone, from thenceforth all the songs on that mix make me think of them. 

Saturday, May 1, 2010

will I ever learn

to just trust what the Lord says will make me happy? Sometimes (most times?) I think I know better than He does. For shame.

Luckily there is repentance.

Boo.

home

I love being in Wisconsin.  I love the fields, and the smell of the river, how 'hot' it gets (78) and everyone complains, and I love living with my siblings nearby (which, technically, I had in Provo).


Today I:
Went to the river trail for a walk while I listened to the princess diaries audiobook for an hour. Anne Hathaway, I will never know how to thank you enough.
Came home and watched "The Importance of Being Earnest." (With Rupert Everett and Colin Firth. Someone asked me the other day if I thought he was a handsome man, and I said "Of course he is, he's Mr. Darcy," and they didn't seem to realize this answered the question in full.)
Caught up on my blog reading.
Went grocery shopping (where I discovered they have this marvelous hippie section of Festival now. You can buy in bulk and use your own bags).
Had a Culver's shake.
Drove to the river again and walked around Aston. Also went to the park where Erich and Katie got married. Aw. I hope Mr. Walker comes to my wedding.
Set off the car alarm in the mercedes. Twice. Oh, my.
Had a chat with a very important figure.
Hugged Mom and Dad when they got home off their trip.